by NiKolaS on March 9, 2010
Again i know but what to do, if you have the time you best get to doing something before you join the devil’s tool kit.
Looks awesome does it not?
Meanwhile some lolcats to distract you if you think the header is an unspeakable monstrosity.
*dead* I know this is not twitter but, anyhow, more dead.
Ok ok! Just one more, pretty please?
The one @estoni was talking about @kenyanpundit on Twitter yesterday evening.
Then there is this i got off Twitter this morning:
I laughed out loud: Tips to beat the credit crunch …
DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. XYZ 741 GP ,
DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.
HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in
your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
CAN’T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
SHOPPERS, when buying oranges and bananas, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
WOMEN: Don’t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn’t care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards
Notice the distinct lack of cussing in this post? I must be losing my mind faster than i thought.
| Crying ^ Roy Orbison |
by NiKolaS on March 4, 2010
This article was previously published on May 28, 2009.
Right. So i am thinking its been a while since i was last here judging from the level of dust in this maafaka, then again it is always quite dusty and unruly in here so i guess no one will notice. Well so i have been quite busy though i cannot say for sure what i have been doing it being a matter of national security, such is the nature of stuff since 7/8 and what not, since the Americans like the big stars, [insert any here] since i am as knowledgeable about celebrity stuff as i am about being an astronaut i shall stop right there and not make a fool of myself as other celebrities are wont to do.
Wait, i has a lolcatpikshure to use in this space.
Now where were we? Yes, there was not one, but two attempts on my life this morning. I swear somebody is trying to kill me. Really. How would you explain a certain white van veering across again, not one but two lanes onto mine, scratching some paint off my bumper and depositing me and Mona, wait, we hopped onto the pavement just in the nick of time, to avoid certain death as the van sideswiped us right into next week! And the gall of the man, using children as shields. I most certainly gave him a piece of my mind after i chased him down and forced gently encouraged him to get off the road and blocked requested that he not move an inch as i gave him a piece of my mind. I am quite hoping the children got to school safe.
Then shortly after i got back onto the road a few kilometres down the road another idiot trying some stunts decided to test the limits of his 4×4 double cabin pick up on a roundabout i was on prompting me and mona to hitch up our skirts and scramble onto said roundabout to avoid being turned into scrap metal. He proceeded to understeer past the roundabout and steadied his car on some pillars on the opposite side of the roundabout before he overcorrected and ended up doing two 360s before he came to a stop on two wheels. Lucky bastard! His only damage was a missing bumper and scratches down one side of his car. Perhaps a puncure. Drove past him and headed on to work like nothing ever happened because i am cool like that.
So you see guys, you need to try harder, assasinating me is quite difficult, this i know, just dont ask me how i found out. Here is to a drama free rest of Hump day, get it? Hump? Well, you can not say i did not try. Sigh.
More lolcat pikshure? I have maaaaaany! *that last maaaany bit reminds me of some person i may or might not know..*
Follow me on Twitter for minute to minute updates on my life’s minutiae entertainment.
| One Thing ^ Amerie |
by NiKolaS on March 3, 2010
Now since i missed an invite to the premier iHubnairobi launch event of the day i shall sit about over here watching TV and regaling you lot with the most minute minutiae of my life currently and the current search for a one in all cell service provider.
You may proceed at your leisure to forget about the first bit since i shall not be telling you waste about it, at least for now. And no, this post shall not be funny, or make any sense whatsoever. I am just hitting my keyboard in the hope that something i can post shows up. Now, where was i? Right.
The current main contender is Zain. I love to text, i hate calling or getting called, in fact i should shortly block all voice calls from this line, they tend to interfere with my current love which happens to be TV watching, i do that to block out all the voices in my head calling me to dark places, reminding me of stuff which i would much rather not be thinking of but i digress. Text, yes Club 20 rocks my world right now, UNLIMITED, wait, no, 300 texts in a 24 hour period. Not that i would ever send more than that but just try me, i have yet to count but i suspect i might come as close as possible to breaching that, i do have paragraphs in my Texts, i am hot like that. Their customer care once you figure out what number they are currently using are extremely helpful and most times can by the time you are done with the call have sorted out your problem.
Safaricom who have me by the ‘batteries’ line up a close second because i have had that line since the days they were 072. Anyone here from those days here, put up your hand, not that one, the left one, you have to use the mouse with the other. Sigh. MPESA is pretty much the only reason i have this line since that is the lifeline to my family who do their best to squeeze all my measly pay, that the government has equitably divided between us yet they haven’t shown me a reason why they must reside in my pocket. Was just on the phone now i have forgotted what i was supposed to be saying. Oh, data! Undeniably they have the fastest mobile data network in Kenya, in my experience at least as such i have a dedicated data line just for this which i haven’t topped up recently, budget constraints. Use the land-line numbers to reach them since 100 unreachable, will do their best to solve the problem and always will call you back with a resolution within 24 hours. Oh, and i almost forgot. Their recent 15 sms for 10 bob shillings and 5 sms for 5 bob shillings is extremely stupid. 15 texts, only? Plus you do not give me the option to buy more bundle within a 24 hour period? How stunted is that? Sheeet!
Orange, they have a decent product out. I love their SMS packages, voice is reasonable too, data packages are well priced and moderately quick but i would keep them on a tight prepaid leash. I had a contracted 12 months that i would never wish on my worst enemies, lost credit, late credit and basic network issues had me almost chomp off my own hand, they are still a parastatal no matter what they call themselves, customer care is there just to be there and are the most unhelpful people on the planet. Don’t bother calling them, they will introduce new problems with your line in addition to the ones you were already experiencing.
I have had limited contact with YU but so far i haven’t experienced a problem with their voice or text services, they currently offer unlimited talk time and well priced texts in my opinion is a good thing, unfortunately their Internet is extremely wanting. It gives you the image of them leasing a 128k line and using that to serve Internet to the entire population of Kenya. But maybe that is just me, have they recently improved anything? They also need to throw out sim cards at random and let people know that they exist, shortly it shall be THE network to be on. Their customer care is a tad too enthusiastic and that is spooky, turn it down.
I would like to have a company come up with a simple package for me:
• Unlimited data for use at home and on the road.
• Unlimited texts to all networks.
• A predetermined number of minutes to all networks that carry over in case i didn’t use them which would most likely be the case as i pretty much hate telephone calls but at times of emergency i might need to set that aside.
That is not unreasonable, for a reasonable amount per month and i would sell my left kidney to sign on. And on that number portability thing for later this year, i cannot wait to use my YU number on all networks. That would be awesome!
And Safaricom, i was about to hit my budget with the 4k for unlimited Internets and would have gladly paid that for the rest of the year, now i have to take my 4k and try and get Zuku cable internet hooked up to my house instead.
| Blue Angel ^ Roy Orbison |
by NiKolaS on February 17, 2010
I would sooner shoot myself than admit that i lack material to put on this space, but seeing as there isnt a gun in my hand and my head is still firmly attached to my torso, which in turn is not prostate on pavement and said head is intact, just proves that i could not get a gun, so whatever.
Meanwhile i managed to stop myself from writing some depressed shit and thought to bring this #avitzisnotacar tag and give it a permanent home here on my blog. Sure, bow and prostate yourselves in my awesomeness, thank me later, sexual favours a plus, mind.
@SupremeGREAM: What you need to tow a vitz. nothing. just nudge it. #Avitzisnotacar i feel guilty for it though
@MoSande: Something in my shoe bothering my foot. Took off the shoe & out fell the Vitz. #AVitzIsNotACar
@roomthinker: Toothpicks are not effective at removing material lodged in teeth. Some things like a Vitz will need floss #AVitzIsNotACar
@veelites: A convoy of Vitz in the Mara is called Safari Ants #AVitzIsNotACar
@roomthinker: From 2010 instead of silica gell pellets, shoe manufacturers will be packing shoes with a Vitz to cut costs #AVitzIsNotACar
@inteligensia: My contribution to #avitzisnotacar (video) http://bit.ly/6T6VR1 It can’t play rock music to save it’s life.
@roomthinker: Try not to keep your Vitz in the same pocket with coins. The noise is distracting when you walk #AVitzIsNotACar
@gichingiri: Toyota Vitz do not come in ordinary colours, they’re all similar to nail polish tones #AVitzIsNotACar
@roomthinker: The robot that turns into a Vitz was rejected by the Autobots. Said Optimus: “Dude, turn into a CAR!” #AVitzIsNotACar
I swear there was more till i broke Twitter while searching for them and now it shall not give them up, that means homework for you lot, look here for more later (link), in case Twitter magically unbreaks or something. Have fun now, and a lovely hump day too, if you care for that sort of thing.
